The trouble with insecurity (wait, there’s just one?) is that it starts with one thing and then quickly spills out over into the rest of your life. For my psyche, it’s a short trip from the formidable obstacle of my dissertation and all accompanying fretting (what if it all sucks? What if I’m not cut out for academia but what if I’m overqualified for any other job?) to other things that usually wouldn’t take a hit. (What if my knitting sucks? What if my designs are all crap? What if nobody likes me? What if I’ve forgotten how to make new friends? What if I become a twitchy crazy hermit surrounded by yarn cackling to herself over cold cups of tea?)
I think part of my twitchiness this week is coming from the fact (Well, other than the Real Source of All My Woe Which I Have To Write and Just Deal With) that I let myself get frustrated and impatient over things that shouldn’t have been frustrating. I made it out to Lettuce Knit on Wednesday night, but hockey game traffic clogged up the roads and the bus arrived late, then the subway got delayed and I still hadn’t found dinner yet, so by the time I actually made it there it was almost dark and I was feeling flustered and stressed underneath it all. It was lovely to knit and chat with people though, I miss the knitting friends I made while I was in Toronto! I wish I had a knit night nearby again…But for some reason I just couldn’t make myself completely relax and then on the way back I just missed the bus back to Hamilton and had to wait another half hour (I don’t know why public transit makes me this frustrated, it is irrational yet piercingly effective as a stress-inducer), and by the time I got home all I could do was add up the number of hours spent in transit versus the number of hours I actually got to spend talking with knitters…It made me realize I have to do a better job of incorporating Toronto knitting visits with other things in the city, otherwise my fretting will get the better of me. And then that realization made me fret some more, because geez, shouldn’t knit night itself be a reason to come in and have a good time?
Yeah, fun times in my head right now, right? Le sigh. But it’s Thanksgiving this weekend, which is as good a time as any to re-sort out my brain and prioritize. And lest I start taking this blog on a permanent ticket to Cynical Town (stops in Apathy Junction and Mopesville), I can promise there will be at least 1 if not 2 FO posts soon, and that will be soothing to my tattered psyche if nothing else will. It’s not the same as a finished thesis, but hey, FOs are a boost and I’ll take it.
Also, I haven’t forgotten about comfort food, thank goodness. I got a head start last night:
Parsnip soup and chevre biscuits from a past issue of the LCBO Food & Drink, and then an extra-fun treat which I have more plans for…
Because sometimes you just want to dip some pretzels in chocolate and then eat them, yanno?
Best weekend wishes to all, and Happy Thanksgiving to fellow Canucks.